From: Jack B.
To: kellyann@gmail.com
Date: Apr 19, 2006 8:22 PM
Subject: hi kelly

KAC,

I know you have worked with many celebrities. And we in D.C. have seen (or heard of you) being courted by "A-List" and "B-List" men such as Fred Durst, George Clooney, some Washington Nationals and a few unsuccessful Redskins. But, I "Ask KAC," have you ever slept with someone very well known? Or very wealthy?

J.B.

Dear J.B.,

That depends on your definition of very well-known ... and how you would classify a very wealthy person.

Almost famous,
KAC

From: IT Joe
To: kac@kellyanncollins.com
Date: Apr 18, 2006 12:22 PM
Subject: Weekend Plans?

Miss KAC,

What are you doing this weekend?

Joe

Dear Joe,

Tonight, I am kicking the weekend off with a Courage Cup-style fundraiser at Smith Point in G-town.

Na na na na na na na nana,
KAC

From: a******@gmail.com>
To: kac@kellyanncollins.com
Date: Apr 14, 2006 9:07 PM
Subject: Dear Kelly - Question!

Dear Kelly,

I am suffering at work because I have a huge crush on this amazing man.

Yes, there are prettier, richer, probably more available men out there with fancier names and fancier vehicles. But this particular one has all the 'right stuff' and treats a lady like a Goddess. I could be happy being his wife and driving, dare I say it...a minivan.

What's a girl to do?

A

ps - have you ever been in a similar situation and if so what did you do?

Dear A,

Tsk, tsk. Office romance can be hot, but before you dive headfirst into the water cooler, darling, I have a book for you. It is called "The Rules."

You may have a good rapport with this guy, and you may find yourself daydreaming about (eek!) being a soccer mom. But soccer kids turn into minivan gangstas, and co-worker relationships can turn the WP into fierce a AIM warground.

How do you really know this man wants your pic on his desktop, anyway?

You say this is a crush, so please recognize this and stop with this talk of minivans and marriage. You also say there are more available men out there. Do you mean that your crush has a girlfriend or *gasp* wife? Red flag! Red flag!

Unless he's asked you out, then he's not interested. Forget this office drone and move on. This man wreaks of career catastrophe via suburban hell. You are already a goddess -- and do not need a man to validate that. Give it a few months and you'll forget you ever got this man's memo. In other words ... hold your horses, Lady Godiva. Trust me on this one ... you do not want to explain to tech support how your negligee got stuck in the fax machine.

So ... what's a girl to do? Plan a Girls Night Out, pronto. Shake your groove thang, kiss a DJ (on the cheek, not telling you to get too crazy) and enjoy a taste of the single life.

Rock on with your single self,
KAC

P.S. I am no expert, so check out the following sites for more info on office romance: 1. iVillage 2. Ask Men 3. Monster.com 4. Discovery Health 5. Work Relationships 6. BBC

From: S******@aol.com
To: kellyann@gmail.com
Date: Apr 17, 2006 11:40 AM
Subject: Brothers want to know ...

Dear KAC,

How do you convince your sister to leave the District for a wedding in her hometown on Memorial Day weekend?

Signed,
R, T & M

Dear R, T & M,

Ack! OK, OK! Calling home now ...

Your big sis,
KAC

From: H
To: kac@kellyanncollins.com
Date: Apr 12, 2006 3:07 PM
Subject: Do you know DC Bachelor?

Dear KAC,

Do you know DC Bachelor?

Thanks,
H

Dear H,

Yes, I know DC Bachelor. Here he is in a photo that I like to call ... Saint Ex (I'm the saint, they're the exes).

That photo was taken December 2004. We were all at a party together and I thought it would be funny to line them up and have a pic taken with all of them. Ha! They were not too thrilled about the photo shoot -- all except Mr. Smiley in the blue shirt (who loves the camera because he is a model man).

So yes ... I know him, alright. DCB is the one in the shirt that says, "Trust me, I'm a virgin." Heh.

Trust me, I'm a blogger,
KAC

Note: The photo featured with this post is DCB with his new girlfriend, Judy, at Dupont Circle. Don't tell him I said this ... but she's a total airhead.

Kelly -

Who do I have to call a 'bitch' to get a link in your sidebar?

Thanks,
Phil

Dear Phil,

Your last name wouldn't happen to be Punxsutawney, would it? Also ... are you afraid of your shadow?

Inner circled,
KAC

Kelly Ann,

Did you see this on Big Head Rob?

"... When we innocently asked Jessica Cutler whether she saw Kelly Ann Collins' recent post about her, she snapped, via e-mail, 'Please stop bothering me about this. I've never even met the bitch.' We forgive her, though, because we hear it's been a somewhat litigious week for her."

How does it feel being called the b-word by Washingtonienne?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Being called the b-word by Jessica Cutler kinda makes me feel the way I do when I accidentally step in gum ... or bump into a smoke-infested stripper that's rolling out of Camelot ... when I'm on my way to lunch.

It's a little annoying, and you really don't really wanna deal with that nastiness right before you eat, but whatever.

Blecchh,
KAC

From: Cake
To: kellyann@gmail.com
Date: Apr 12, 2006 12:33 PM
Subject: Can you have your cake and eat it, too?

Dear KAC,

How annoying does it get to have people call you Kelly Ann Collins as opposed to just Kelly?

Of course, I can imagine those close to you do in fact call you just "Kelly," but the millions of others that know about you can't seem to talk about you or refer to you without using all three names.

• "Kelly" - sounds too plain to encompass the vast celeb-utantness that you embody.
  
  
• "Kelly Collins" - does sound a bit like a 1950's superhero secret identity. (Clark Kent, Bruce Banner, etc.)
  
  
• "Kelly Ann Collins" - 2 syllables, 1 syllable, 2 syllables. Any name in that formula has a catchy ring to it, I suppose.
  

"KAC" works, though one waits for that one imbecile to pronounce it out, rather than saying each letter.

(Just realized this is your blog, not mine - Ha!)

Thanks K to the A. C.

Signed,
Cake

Dear Cake,

I love all my names. It never gets annoying. :-)

Oh, and ... yes. I can have my cake -- and eat it, too. I mean ... what good is cake if you can't eat it?

Let them eat cake,
KAC

Dear KAC, What is wrong with today's celebrities? WPB

Dear WPB,

Well, one problem with celebs today is that they seem to be skipping their birth control pills. And, this should not be an option ... especially in Hollywood.

I mean, they don't need permission, they make their own decisions, oh, it's their prerogative ... but someone *really should* start a Pills on Wheels program to feed LA's crazy divas their Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

Exhibit A: Whitney Houston. This preacher's wife has been spending too much time waiting to exhale whatever it is she's been smokin'. The Queen Of The Night obviously didn't sick her bodyguard on the welfare officials that have been snooping around her "dangerous drug den." As a result, the government has threatened to take her teenage daughter into custody if this superstar doesn't clean up her act. [Chocolate magazine]

Exhibit B: Katie Holmes. Why'd you have to go and fake your pregnancy, Katie? You had him at "hello." Uhhh, what the heck is under Katie's shirt? Holy maternity clothing, Jerry McGuire! Keep your eyes wide shut -- it's going to take a few good men to deliver that risky business! [Pics: 1 | 2 | 3 ]

Exhibit C: Tara Reid. Two words: Nipplegate. This party girl doesn't have kids yet, but she says her clock is ticking. Just look at her. This right here could be the promotional poster for the Pills on Wheels program.

Exhibit D: Britney Spears. Baby *not* one more time. Officials with the Department of Children and Family Services recently visited the Malibu home of Mr. and Mrs. Federline after their infant son suffered a fractured skull. Oops! Don't do it again, Britney!

So, what's wrong with celeb's today? Their ability to reproduce.

I rest my case,
KAC

KAC: I was bored at work all day Friday. Why didn't you update your blog? Phil

Dear Phil,

I was a little sleepy Friday. That is why I didn't update my blog.

You see ... some guys with tattoos, Sonja from ClubChair ... and this Absolutely Addictive, total hottie ... kept me out an hour (or so) past my bedtime.

But, uh, hey!! Shouldn't you be working when you are @werk? :-O

Back in action,
KAC

Note: Check out AbsoluteAddiction.com for about a gazillion hot D.C. party pix.

KAC, I know this is none of my business, but I have to ask. Why did you break up with that guy (from the last fundraiser)? Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Ha - let's just say that I asked myself ... Is this guy strong enough to be my man? And then I thought about it for a minute, looked into his beady little eyes, and said "no."

[insert song here] A change would do you good
A change would do you good
Hello, it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone [/end of song]

All I wanna do is have some fun ... until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard.

This ain't no disco,
KAC

Hi KAC, I've just tried a deep-fried Snickers bar for the first time. It was a-mazing. What's your favorite dessert to indulge in? Lovingly, Your Sweet Tooth

Dear Sweet Tooth,

I don't eat sweet things often, but when I do ... it's usually Creme Brulee or Tiramisu.

Hmm, I actually cannot remember the last time I had a candy bar. But if you say this deep-fried Snickers treat is "a-mazing," I will have to try it. I mean, how can I ignore my Sweet Tooth?

Hey -- have you ever had a deep-friend Twinkie?

Move over cotton candy man ...

The greasy Twinkie fad started at a restaurant in Brooklyn, NY, a couple of years after the deep-fried Snickers became popular. But it quickly hit the road with Clint and Rocky Mullen (brothers, not lovers) when they started selling the Twinkies along with their deep-fried candy bars on a stick at country fairs just a few years ago.

The most popular deep-fried Snickers? The "King-Sized" with 44 grams of fat. Ack!

Quick and Dirty Calorie Counting
Cotton candy = 200 calories per 1.5 oz. serving
Deep-fried Twinkie = 425 calories, about the same as a slice of apple pie a la mode
King-sized, deep-fried Snickers = 700 calories
Funnel cake = 800 calories

Thanks for your question, Sweet Tooth. But watch out, looks like those bars are packing a punch! :-p

Fry on with your sweet self,
KAC

KAC: A friend of mine spotted this guy at a lounge with the message "143 KAC" marked on this forehead. He seemed to be quite smitten with you, or perhaps just delusional. Crazy stalker on your hands? Or might this be the new way of catching your attention? Delano

Dear Delano,

I saw that guy ... he was not a crazy stalker, just a 5w33t hottie with a marker, vodka buzz and some m4d sk1llz ... who is down with KAC 1337 5P34K. :-p

l8r,
KAC

Dear KAC, I see that you have a lot of visitors, but very little comments. Is that because everyone is leaving you harsh comments and you don't have the backbone to approve them? Sincerely, A Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned Reader,

Ha ... no. I have do not have a backbone. Thanks for asking.

Live from the Pope's living room,
KAC

KAC, I love to send text messages, but I have a regular cell phone (not a BlackBerry) and sometimes it is hard to do when I am in a hurry. I remember from your old blog that you like to send text messages to people. Any tips? Samantha

Dear Samantha,

AFAIK, longhand texting can be a CWOT, IYKWIM. (:-& IMPE, it has been easier to use smileys and shorthand -- AAMOF, sometimes it seems even easier than F2F IRL! J/K :-D

Well, that's MTCW! Txs and HTH!

C4N,
KAC

KAC, Do you like brussel sprouts? Do you eat your veggies? GTB

Dear GTB,

No, I do not like brussel sprouts - iiiiick! But I do like most things green - including Marvin and K9 - yum! :-p

Hey, did you know that D.C. is one of Best Vegetarian-Friendly Cities? Well, it is, say the experts at Health 2.0. Portland, SF, Seattle, NYC, Austin and Atlanta are also friends of the veggie.

There's just something about avocado,
KAC

KAC, Would you go out on a date with Eminem? He is single again. Werd, Marshall

Dear Marshall,

Only if I could take a coupla bodyguards. I don't trust that Kim chick. She looks like a crazy stalker. (Rule No. 1: Never trust a gal that lines her lips like this.)

My name is,
KAC

KAC - What kind of American English do you speak? Here's a test for you. Jessie

Dear Jessie,

That was a fun quiz, thank you. Here are my results:

I'm speaking ...

- 60% General American English
- 20% Dixie
- 20% Yankee
- 0% Midwestern
- 0% Upper Midwestern

So ... should I be whistling "I wish I was in Dixie, hoo-ray! hoo-ray!" or "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" -- or something else?

And more importantly than what I should hum on my way to work -- is this popular Blogthings quiz politically correct? Does anyone care?

Townhall columnist Kathleen Parker probably wouldn't care. I came to that conclusion after I read her column this morning: English spoken here.

She writes:

"I find myself increasingly annoyed by this unsubtle notice that the U.S. is gradually becoming a bilingual nation."

Well, Ms. Parker, in the West Coast American English words of Stephanie Tanner I say: "How rude!"

I'm all about having a bilingual -- or maybe even trilingual -- nation. ;-p

Arrive derci,
KAC

Note: I featured "hot girl in cowgirl costume with guitar" just because it's a photo of a hot girl ... in a cowgirl costume ... holding a guitar.

KAC, I used to lurve your fun old site. But after you stopped blogging, all the local bloggers (except DCB for the most part) started to really suck. So...glad you're back! Hey, can I get some iPod-worthy music suggestions? What does KAC listen to? Signed, D

Dear D,

Lately, I've been super-busy ... sooo, I've been listening to Sweet Smoke from Mr. Scruff's Trouser Jazz album pretty frequently. Don't know why, but that song seems to help me focus. It's almost as good as ... yoga.

The other songs that have been gracing my workspace this week are Lebanese Blonde by Thievery Corporation, Superstar Tour de la Musique's Apres le Mans, The Bottle's Battery Vox and Don't You by Compenium.

Rock,
KAC

Note: I featured "hot guy in tub listening to iPod" just because it's a photo of a hot guy ... in a tub ... listening to an iPod.

KAC, Do you like the Gators? Adam

Dear Adam,

Do I like the Gators? Hmm. Let's dive into the swampland that is my brain and paddle this potential puzzle ...

Good Gators

• NewsGator
  Better to read me with.
  
• Kelly Drummond Cawthon
  Hot for teacher ... KDC of UFL - hello!
  
• Toyota Gator Bowl 2007
  Men in tight pants. No brainer.
  
• Manolo Blahnik Alligator Pumps
  Who wouldn't want a pair of these critters?
  

Bad Gators

• Gator Country's Swamp Gas Message Boards
  Two words: "Swamp" and "Gas"
  
• Gatorland
  It's "Orlando's best half-day attraction." You do the math.

Ugly Gators

• Gain's eWallet
  This spy must die.
  
• Alligator Bob's Gourmet Alligator Meat Snacks
  It seems that Gator Bob loves his meat a bit too much.

That University of Florida reptilian Coach Donovan? Hot like a court croc. Goooo team!

Meat snacks for everyone!
KAC

KAC, I know you like to paint the town red, and that people often smoke in the restaurants and nightclubs that you frequent. How do you feel about the smoking ban? Yay or Nay? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Bring it on, rockstars! I support the smoking ban 268%!

Let's party like it's 2007. Show me a smoke-free D.C. lounge and I'll show you where I'll be sipping my champagne!

Every person has the right to breathe clean air. And all people have the right to work in smoke-free work places.

This feels good. This feels smart. We've come a long way, baby ... so, it's about time we sighed a deep, fresh breath of relief.

Celebrate good times, come on!
KAC

Note: Did you know that some restaurants in D.C. were already smoke-free? Check 'em out here.

From: Patrick J. Fitzgerald
To: kellyann@gmail.com
Date: Apr 3, 2006 1:42 PM
Subject: Q and assignment for Kelly Ann?

I am a single professional who splits my time between Washington and Chicago. There is talk of me being a candidate for president in '08 and I was wondering if you think being single would hurt my chances and if yes, can you help me find a nice girl?

Sincerely,

PJF

KAC, I'm tired. Why do we have Daylight Saving Time? Are we losing an hour or gaining an hour? Thanks, Kristen

Dear Kristen,

You can thank the government for your sleepy head this morning.

Officials have used Daylight Saving Time through throughout history to save energy and make better use of daylight. The argument for it is that the first hour of daylight is completely wasted. So the main goal of Daylight Saving Time is to make the daylight time more usable. See this DST Q & A for more info.

The only major industrialized country that doesn't have it is Japan.

Cock-a-doodle-do,
KAC *yawn*

KAC, Did you see the interview Jessica Cutler did last week about you? Here is the link. Do you think she is compulsively KAC-obsessed? Lisa

Lisa,

Ha! Yes, I saw that. Big Head Rob is pretty funny, and always on the prowl for good blog material.

To answer your question ... no, I do not think Jessica Cutler is KAC-obsessed. Just think she has a good sense of humor. :-)

But there is nothing wrong with a little obsessive compulsion. Ask any blogaholic.

Down with OCD,
KAC

Dear KAC, Can I be in your gang? MZB

Dear MZB,

Let's take a walk.

The books are open. But you must know that in my gang is all about the three Rs - Retail, Respect and Reputation.

Retail: My gang is all about chillin' at Mazza, Gtown P. and the Galleria. That's our turf.

Respect: If a rival gang member is spotted at Intermix, you must immediately dis the enemy. Flip your hair and then skip to Dean & DeLuca for some java. Chill until the Diane von Furstenberg rack is clear. Never - I repeat, never - let a rival see what you'll be wearing to the next fundraiser at Smith Point. Defend thy fitting room.

Reputation: Don't be caught dead in last-season's Citizens of Humanity. And, on that note, wear your Skull & Bunny jeans with pride. That's our art, our pocket-graffiti.

MZB, it's a wild world out there. And choosin' your gang shouldn't be taken lightly. So before I can answer your question ... be fo'shizzle about this: are ready to whip out that black AmEx and take it to the mattresses?

Marinatin' with some Dom P. in the Caddy,
K to the A to the C

Note: This is for entertainment purposes only. I am against gangs, violence and all things bad. Be good, be nice ... and do not fight your fellow shopper for a shirt. Thank you.

KAC, No offense, but I've been running a blog for three years and never get any publicity. But I see you in The Washington Post Express, magazines and all over the Internet on big sites like Gawker's -- AND YOU JUST STARTED this blog last week. How do you do it? I'm ready to quit blogging. Please help. Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

How do I do it? Hmm. Good question. I just follow my instincts and go with it.

You know, three years is a long time. It shows that you are dedicated, creative and web-savvy. It is also great experience ... I bet you know a whole heckofalotta things about the blogosphere that leave people IRL clueless. Your blogging probably makes for some great offline conversation as well.

I think Mr. Twain was onto something when he said "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."

My advice to you is: listen to your heart, say what you think, don't second-guess yourself - and blog like nobody's watching.

Blog on,
KAC

P.S. If you missed it, here is what I look like on paper. Oh, and if you picked up Friday's Express - don't forget to recycle! It's good for the environment.

Dear KAC, I recently have entered the DC social scene, I am rather young at 21, and have recently become single and am looking to meet new people (girls). The bar scene is rather new to me, any suggestions on the best places for me to go? Thanks for any help you can give me. Scott

Dear Scott,

Have you tried Adams Morgan on a Saturday night? It's crawling with 20-somethings. I'm guessing you could bump into all sorts of PYTs just by walking the strip.

Other good places: Georgetown's waterfront is great for people-watching (but get there early to claim a spot). On Thursdays, Play is happening (it's ladies night). And Spank (upstairs from MCCXXIII) is hot on Friday. Many people also like the scene at FUR, which is an urban club with lots of room to dance. Some guys I know that are not into dance clubs frequent places like like McFaddens (Foggy Bottom), the Front Page (Dupont) and Rhino (Georgetown) ... they are all pub-style bars that are jam-packed with college students on weekends.

Absolute Addiction and Party Slave both pull in good crowds ... get on their mailing lists for D.C. party info and invites.

But remember ... bars aren't the places to meet new people. People are everywhere ... you just have to open your eyes. Try elevators, bookstores, coffee shops, or hey ... why not join a co-ed kickball team?! (I hear they are all about socializing). Into java? Meet someone online, and then go on a coffee date, compliments of Yahoo! personals and Starbucks. :-p

DCB and Kathryn also offer some good dating advice on First Date DC. Check out this post, "Where are the good women?"

Nice to meet ya,
KAC

KAC - Do you still do charity work? Richard

Dear Richard,

Yes. I am still involved with several charity organizations.

Right now, I am on the Host Committee for The Courage Cup, which kicks off June 17th and benefits the Ride To Work program. If you are in D.C., you should try to make it! This is a fun event!

See you at The Cup,
KAC

KAC, Did I see you at Cafe Milano last night with a young Italian man? Are you a cradle robber? Do you even speak Italian? Thanks, Dave

Dear Dave,

Yes. I was at Cafe Milano ... with my new friend, Marco.

Marco has only been in the USA for three weeks and speaks about 20 English words. He's tall, dark, handsome, is only in town until June, knows nothing about me ... and says I am la ragazza perfetta (he said that means perfect girl).

What more could a gal want?

To help get him up-to-speed on the English language, I spent some time this weekend teaching him some key phrases:

"You look beautiful."
"Where is the men's room?"
"No, your butt does not look big in those pants."
"My name is Marco."
"Yes, dear."
"Where is the airport?"
"Let's go shopping."

OK, I am a little bit older than Marco. But am I a cradle robber? Absolutely not. He is 22. That's legal. And as far as he knows, I'm ventiquattro (24) ... the only Italian number I know.

I know what you're thinking, but fuhgeddaboutit.

This one will last until he learns enough English to tell me what's really on his mind. Then, I'm so out. I mean, where's the mystery in that? ;-p

Rock-a-bye, baby,
KAC