The stolen laptop with data on 26.5 million veterans is back where it belongs. Thank goodness the culprit did not access the data. Otherwise, veterans groups might have to press for free credit monitoring and increased data security. Oh, wait a minute, that's exactly what they're doing.

Photo: Cutie Dan's laser-etched Powerbook featuring The Son of Man. How'd he do it?

Phone geeks around the world just can't stop talking about the new CHT 9000 from Dopod, which is the first 3G Chinese PDA phone -- ever.

It's got Tri-Band UMTS, a slide-out keyboard, Windows Mobile 5 ... and one freaking hot model-chick wearing some thigh-high WiFi.

"Surprisingly, in its zest to communicate with every device possible, it even has an infra red port," PhoneyWorld reports.

Ever wonder who is peeking at your web stuff (other than Editorial Dude, while you are sleeping)?

According to Microsoft's advertising research department, it's easy to determine who is reading -- and what their reading. How? They analyze online behavior to determine demographic data. Their researchers look at things like click habits, search queries, page views, etc. They then compare that info to the habits/behavior of males and females in different age groups. This is called behavior targeting.

So, how does this relate to you? Well, it might not ... but for us it is pretty exciting (geek alert). Here are a few little-known facts we'll think will shock (or disturb) you:

• DC's AbsoluteAddiction.com visitors are 98% female. So, guys, if you are looking for some chicks, that's the site you'll want to check out.
  


• The Senator's readers are 72% teen-aged females. Sixteen-year-old girls, surfing the Cleveland Park Men's Club site? Now, whodathunkit?
  


• Friendster has more male visitors than female (and most of that site's male visitors are younger than 18). Meanwhile, MySpace is dominated by young females, aged 18-24.
  


• FirstDateDC is populated with teenaged girls. "Does he love me or not?" *sob*
  


• The Liquid Muse writes about alcoholic drinks, but her 79% female audience is younger than 18. Tsk, tsk.
  
  
• DC Bachelor's blog readers are a bunch of teenaged boys in the 13-15 age range. Now, "that's fuuuunnnnayyy," as a friend of ours says.
  


• Even though the Sour N Sweet site is run by some pretty young thangs, its readers are mostly 34-year-old women.


• Oh, and as for Ask KAC, don't ask, cause we'll tell:
  
  Only 9% of our readers are younger than 18. Twenty-seven percent are aged 18-24, and 28% are 25-34. Most of our readers also frequent Gawker, Wonkette.com, People, Pink is the New Blog and A Socialite's Life. New visitors usually find our site when surfing Yahoo or Google, looking for celebrity scoops, Hollywood's in-crowd and Washington glitterati.

Now, we aren't going to give you all of nitty-gritty tunes played by our sneaky-peaky dirt band, but if you are on this list, we know your site better than you know the metadata on your derriere.

Get the dirt and grime here!

Behavior Targeting: Selected Blogs & Websites

ASK KAC
Audience is 52% female. Only 9% of our readers are younger than 18. Twenty-seven percent are 18-24, and 28% are aged 25-34. Ranks in the Top 100K websites, hitting the 37,004 spot in June. This keyword "kelly ann collins" has 29,000 Google listings.

Big Head Rob
Audience is about 50-50, younger than 18. Not in Top 100K.

Club Chair
Audience is 90% female, aged 25-34. Listed as No. 4,532,928

DC Bachelor
Audience is 65% male, younger than 18. Was in the No. 169,306 spot this week.

DCist
Audience is 50% male, 50% female, younger than 18. Hit the 40,105 spot this week. The keyword "dcist.com" has 89,900 listings on Google.

DC Blogs
Audience is 51% male, younger than 18. Not in Top 100,000 sites list. In the 662,100 spot this week. The keyword "dcblogs.com" has 10,300 listings on Google.

First Date DC
Audience is 65% female, younger than 18. Not in Top 100,000 sites list. Hit the 1,835,658 spot this week. This site has 237 Google listings for "firstdatedc.com" keyword.

KathrynOn
Audience 60% female, aged 18-24. Not ranked.

Life in the District
Audience is 93% female, aged 35-49. Ranked No. 1,196,144.

Metrocurean
Audience is 58% female, aged 18-24. Not in Top 100k.

Outblush
Audience is 59% female, younger than 18. Not in Top 100k. Ranked 174,586. The keyword "outblush.com" has 507 listings on Google.

Patrick J. Fitzgerald
Audience is 90% male, aged younger than 18. Not in Top 100k.

Playaz Ball
Audience is 50% male, 50% female, younger than 18. Not in Top 100k.

Pud.com
Audience is 57% male, younger than 18. Ranked No. 144,700. The keyword "pud.com" has 2200 listings on Google.

Read Express
Audience is 52% female, younger than 18. In the 317, 450 spot.

The Liquid Muse
Audience is 79% female, younger than 18. Not in Top 100k.

Sour N Sweet
Audience is 58% female, aged 25-34. Not in Top 100k (yet ... but we predict it will be there soon).

The Senator
Audience is 72% female, younger than 18. Not in Top 100k.

Uncrate
Audience is 60% male, aged 35-49. No. 15, 145 on the 100K list. The keyword "uncrate.com" has 50,300 listings on Google.

Underneath Their Robes
Audience is 60% female, younger than 18. No. 435,000.

Wonkette
Audience is 53% male, aged 25-34. Ranked No. 10,500 out of the Top 100K sites this week.

Ze Frank
Audience is 64% female, aged 25-34. Ranked 4,500 this week. The keyword "zefrank.com" has 520,000 listings on Google.

Which three sites are kicking the most fanny in the USA?

No. 1 Yahoo
No. 2 Google
No. 3 MySpace

Britney (and her baby's daddy's bump) has posed half-nekkid for the cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine.

This cover comes 15 years after Demi Moore posed preggo for Vanity Fair.

Who knew Britney was a Demi Moore fan? Look out K-Fed. When she hits 40, you're a gonner ... and E-Kade is, like, so in.

(Thanks, Ez)

Which DC magazine do you love? (Psst ... DC STYLE!)

	Washingtonian
	Washington Life
	DCStyle
	Capitol File
	DC Magazine

Here is the original FishBowlDC post about this poll.

Mattel may take Barbie off shelves -- for good!

I know. How insane is that? it's like, "What the &$)@?" But, it's true.

Though Barbie is still a $1 billion brand, Mattel's competitors, like MGA Entertainment and its Bratz dolls, have been creeping into Barbie's territory. Creepin' alright. Like night crawlers. Frickin' Bratz!

OK, Lynne & Tessa, take it away with your Barbie Girl Video! Sing it for our plastic sisters!

Cameron Diaz loses her bikini top ... again.

You know, Miss D., a real Charlie's Angel would keep her bosom under cover. And Barbie, well, she wouldn't do it, either ... because she doesn't have nipples! So there! [CityRag]

My dearest Mattel Toy People:

I hear that you might pull Barbie off store shelves ... for good.

Ummm, if you do decide to do that (which would be stupid), could you please, at the very least, keep South Beach Barbie on Toys R Us shelves? She's my favorite.

And, uh, like, how could I be a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, with no Barbie?! That would be, like, so. not. hot.

Life in plastic ... it's fantastic,
KAC

Is it just me, or do Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie pump a lot of gas?



Is this a skill they learned on "The Simple Life" that they really enjoyed?



I swear, all those girls do is get in and out of cars, pump gas and talk on the phone.



(When they're not looking for the phones they've lost, that is.)



In other news ...

K-Fed was spotted, trying to figure out how to operate a complex gas pump while smoking and wearing a "Holla @ Yo Damn Self" t-shirt.



Nice pants.

Pud spent the entire weekend at a Tony Robbins seminar.

He says he did things he thought he'd never do in a million years. So, why'd he jump around and act like a freak for 50 hours? He says he told himself to just "screw it," and then he hopped on the Tony Express.

"The main thing that surprised me was how much audience participation is involved...every 30 minutes or so Tony says "Get up! Shake yourself out! Find a partner and start dancing! Give each other a massage!" and so on.

Even as I write this I can't believe I did that shit."

Read all about Pud unleashing his power with Tony Robbins.

Photo: Star and Pinky the doggie.

Word on the street is that Star Jones Reynolds will announce her departure from "The View" this week.


Our source says that an anonymous employee from "The View" told an "Access Hollywood" insider today that Star Jones Reynolds will leave "The View" in July and will announce the departure on the show this week.

In July, Star will have been at "The View" for almost nine years. Star is a lawyer and former prosecutor who is known for her candor, confidence and uncanny ability to clarify muddy legal and social issues.

Barbara Walters, creator of "The View" and Jones Reynolds' fellow co-host, did not return calls for comment.

Photo: 2001 MTV Video Music Awards (Britney performs "I'm a Slave 4 U" with a big snake and does a red carpet interview with Mick Jager next to her)

Where is Britney 2001?

What happened to our little love slave?

Britney, come back! We miss you.

We are reminiscing today, and watching "Britney 2001" videos today.

Watch the "I'm a Slave 4 U" video and weep (like we did).

Damn you, Federline. Daaamnnnn, you!!

Dear Readers,

Throughout the blogosphere, America's top bloggers are reaching out to Britney Spears. They are saying they are very sorry for making fun of Brit and KFed.

The team here at "Ask KAC" is very sorry, too.

Sincerely,
The Intern

P.S. Yes, I am new to this blog. I am Editorial Dude's intern. KAC is looking for one (or two) more. Email intern@askkac.com with your qualifications. Thanks. (Mrs. KFed need not apply.)

- More apologies to Britney here.

- KAC apologizes to The Senator for approving this blog entry here.

Jesus Christ, Britney.

Get off your ass, get on some Prozac, get a nanny, and then dump your baby's daddy. Watching you deteriorate is depressing the hell out of us.

Seriously,
KAC

Photo: Taken during Britney Spear's recent "Dateline" interview. Credit: NBC.

Love vodka parties?

Check out my latest DC STYLE column, Absolutely PC Cocktail Culture.

Photo: Me, on Absolut Ruby Red, sporting the "Yes, I know it's raining" look.

Pud spent the entire weekend at a Tony Robbins seminar.

He says he did things he thought he'd never do in a million years. So, why'd he jump around and act like a freak for 50 hours? He says he told himself to just "screw it," and then he hopped on the Tony Express.

The main thing that surprised me was how much audience participation is involved...every 30 minutes or so Tony says "Get up! Shake yourself out! Find a partner and start dancing! Give each other a massage!" and so on.

Even as I write this I can't believe I did that shit.

Read all about Pud unleashing his power with Tony Robbins.

We all know that Reese Witherspoon sued Star magazine for publishing an allegedly false story saying she is pregnant.

She said the story harmed her because it suggested that she was hiding her pregnancy from the producers of two of her upcoming films.

Reese, darling.

We really don't think it's the tabloids you have to worry about. You know the paparazzi are out there, Girlfriend! Forget the "false" pregnancy story. How about hiding that ass?

More photos after the jump.

The world's first anti-rape condom has been invented.

If a woman is raped while wearing it, it attaches to the victimizer's privates and then embeds little hooks in the skin. In most cases, removal requires an emergency room visit.

Uh, WTF?

The company, called RapeX, advises women to wear the condom when "on a train, working late, going out on a date with someone you don't know too well, going to clubs, or in any situation that you might not feel comfortable or even just not sure."

We think the theory behind the anti-rape condom it is good and all, but we just cannot these condoms becoming a part of everyday life. It just seems, well, paranoid.

• "Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, I need to excuse myself and go to the little girls' room so I can put my date-rape condom in."
  
  
• "Hmm, I'm going on a blind date, I'd better wear my anti-rape device."
  
  
• "Oh, I'm working late this evening. Better insert my RapeX condom before I go to the parking garage."

Scenerios we can visualize:

• "I cooked and cleaned for him for 20 years, and he goes out and cheats on me! I'll show that bastard -- I'm sporting the RapeX to bed tonight!"
  
  
• "Oh my God, honey! I am so sorry! I had to run out to the store alone today to pick up some bread and eggs, so I put in the anti-rape condom ... guess I forgot it was there in the heat of the moment."
  

Men, all we've got to say is this: If you are dating (or married to) a psycho biotch ... watch your sack.

We represent the Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild
And in the name of the Lollypop Guild,
We wish to welcome you to Muchkinland.

Did you know that the world's largest lollipop was certified on June 25, 2002? It weighed 4,031 lbs (with stick), measured 18.9 inches thick and was about as tall a a giraffe.

From now on you'll be history.

You'll be hist ...
You'll be hist...
You'll be history.

And we will glorify your name.

You will be a bust
Be a bust ...
Be a bust ...

The word lollipop is used in many different songs including "Lollipop Guild," featured in the movie "The Wizard of Oz," the Chordettes "Lollipop" and "The Good Ship Lollipop" from the 1934 Shirley Temple movie called "Bright Eyes."

In the Hall of Fame!

Tra-la-la-la-la-la,
Tra-la-la, Tra-la-la

Some icky troll emailed me the other day and told me that I am "as worthless as a lollipop." Lollipops are like soooo not worthless. Trolls, however, are.

But maybe the little imp was onto a little something ...

In 1908, George Smith claimed to be the first to invent the modern lollipop when he put hard candies on a stick to make them easier to eat. He then decided to name the treat after his favorite racing horse, Lolly Pop, and later trademarked the name.

I, too, was named after a horse.

Yo, cubies, whassup?

Listen up, office biotches ... this is crucial watercooler smack-talkin' material. Check! Be the first one on your block to fingerball this.

Don't bogard that, a'ight? Lay off the chronic, share it with a cuzin and make for some extended food privileges.

Conniption fittin',
KAC

Someone recently asked me for some weight loss advice, but I think Jenny McCarthy has a better answer than the one I'd prepared.

So, how did Jenny McCarthy lose the 60 pounds she gained while pregnant?

"I hired a fancy trainer and tried anorexia for five minutes and then ate because I was hungry. I tried all the Hollywood secrets and nothing was working." McCarthy told "Access Hollywood's" Maria Menounos yesterday.

And when that didn't work, her mother convinced her to try Weight Watchers, which has successfully helped her lose weight.

"I had 60 pounds to lose. With the rest of the moms trying to lose their baby fat, I became friends with them, traded recipes and lost three pounds a week and about seven months later I lost all the baby fat," she said.

During the interview, McCarthy also revealed the truth about her relationship with Jim Carrey. The interview airs tonight. Log on to AccessHollywood.com to check local time and station.

We love WiFi, Apples, cookies, the convenience of mobility and well-coordinated ensembles. And this little baby's got it all.

Introducing ColorWare's MacBook Pro. Its aluminum case comes in about 30 different hues -- from green envy and pink fusion to yellow caution and wet blue. (We, of course, favor the orange crush model ... it matches our header.)

And just as the factory model, this baby is about 4x faster than its Powerbook predecessor, packing a 1.83GHz processor punch, 1 Gig of RAM and a 100GB hard drive. And, more importantly, it matches all your favorite outfits.

So, go ahead, metrosexuals and fashionistas of the WWW, add to your mystique as you paint the information highways Ferrari red.

We love Dupont Circle. Free wireless. Good people. A fountain! Folks playing chess. The list goes on.

But, recently, we've been having trouble finding a good spot for lunch. Sure, there are the staples: Kramer's, Raku or Osette Osteria. We've also had mixed experiences at au bon pain.

Now, we're hearing that a quick, cheap lunch at Sticks & Bowls last week left a good friend of ours sick as a dog. Luckily, a quick search of DC's Department of Health found that restaurant to be in good standing. The same, unfortunately, can't be be said of these places, cited last week.

So, seriously, loyal followers: where are your favorite places for that mid-afternoon bite?

We help you stay cool. Now you help us be full.

Whoa!

After nearly a week of (blessed) silence, DC Bachelor's intern, Sally, awoke from her summer slumber on Friday to impart her usual wisdom on getting knocked up.

We're not sure (or, to be honest, really care) where she's been (maybe having a prego scare herself) but it's possible Ms. Sally hasn't had time to blog -- you know, in between her searching to sublet an apartment, since she's an "underpaid and barely housed" intern.

Now, we're hearing that The Anacostia Diaries has jumped on the bandwagon and found their own intern. And, because as an editorial assistant we feel pity towards lowly interns, we'll just put this out there:

Miss S., if you need help hunting for a place with the city's other million interns, we hear this guy may have a room.

And, we take our coffee with milk and two sugars.

UPDATE: Sally has been "promoted" from unpaid intern to unpaid contributor. Clearly, it doesn't take much to be promoted by DCB. On the same day we raise concerns about Ms. Sally, she gets a bump. But, she's still unpaid.

We don't see what she's done for this promotion other than blab her mouth.

Perhaps it's because she has been helping the scorned bachelor in his effort to get back at KAC for not dating him? Lame. Fourteen posts in three months? Ha! We usually do more than that in one week. Good one.

Very Lewinskesque.

We love champagne.

It's so refreshing, tasty ... and expensive. Whether it's Krug or Dom P., if the bubbly's being poured, chances are good that we'll have a glass in hand.

But after reading some comments recently made by Frederick Rouzaud, the managing director of Louis Roederer, the makers of Cristal, we're going to start being a bit more picky about our brand of choice. Rouzard told The Economist that it was with "curiosity and serenity" that his company viewed the affection for the champagne by rappers and their fans.

When he was later asked if the relationship between Cristal and bling could hurt his company's image, Rouzard responded:

"That's a good question, but what can we do? We can't forbid people from buying it. I'm sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business."

This has not gone over well in the hip-hop community, especially among Grand-daddy Jay-Z, who issued a statement:

"It has come to my attention that the managing director of Cristal, Frederic Rouzaud views the 'hip-hop' culture as 'unwelcome attention'. "I view his comments as racist and will no longer support any of his products through any of my various brands including The 40/40 Club nor in my personal life."

So, $600 bottles at the 40/40 Club be gone, the city of Houston won't have a problem with any more shortages -- and Rouzard doesn't have to worry about being the eighth-most mentioned brand in Billboard's top 20 songs, according to Agenda Inc.

Good call, Cristal.

Pic: Me, caught making a funny face. The Senator said I should post this because it make me seem more personable. Um. OK.

OK. So ... there has been recent debate in the blogosphere (and in my inbox) re: my personality ... and whether I'm a biatch -- or not.

OK, blogos ... this time, I've got evidence. And, like they say ... the proof is in the musing. :-)

Check out my personality profile on The Liquid Muse here.

Cheers,
KAC

Looks like Jessa is A-OK!

She got a new job. Yay!

• Don't know what's up? Read "Moblogs, Blogs & Videoblogs"
• Check out her recent blog entry (and new pic) here.

Make sure you stop by and tell her congrats!

... that's what's in STYLE. :-)

Catch my column today @ DCSTYLEMAG.com.

With the DC weather this weekend forecasted to be in the upper 80s and lower 90s, it seems pretty clear that summer has arrived.

And although the tales of the District being built on a swamp are a bunch of bologna, it doesn't make us any more excited that the sweltering, muggy temps and humidity are here 'till Labor Day.
With the swelt comes the sweat. In fact, the nation's capital has just been ranked the 39th sweatiest city in this great country of ours.

We're especially not looking forward to sweaty Metro rides with sweaty men sweating through their sweaty shirts.

Good thing we've got the Lincoln Town Car taking us everywhere this summer.

The Meow Mix House -- complete with cat cam -- is a cool viral marketing tool and all, but we have five major issues with it:

1. Most of the house cats -- and catkeepers -- are lazy. Give those felines some catnip ... and give those catkeepers some Red Bull & Grey Goose. Let a mouse loose ... install a hot, tin roof. Something! Anything.
   
   We decide that watching goldfish is like 5.23% more entertaining. But we still can't stop glaring at our monitors.
   
   
2. Do you really think the cats like that leopard-skin sofa? We would totally not be into a human skin leather chair. Creepy!
   
   
3. Do we really need a clear view of the kitty litter? No. We don't.
   
   
4. Could you please get some caretakers with better butts? Fatcat caretakers. Not the kinda cam show we wanna watch. But we still can't stop watching.
   
   
5. Come on now, we all know that cats can't blog.
   
   

• UPDATE: Thursday @ 4:10 PM Kitty litter cam deactivated.
  
  
• UPDATE: Thursday @ 4:30 PM - Cam refocused.
  
  
• UPDATE: Friday @ 12:02 AM - One-year-old Molly (the only conscious feline in the house at the moment) starts humping a pillow. Now, we know these whole Meow Mix cat bios and blogs are a (pillow) sham. Molly's bio states:
  
  "Molly is a goody two shoes - or in this case, goody four shoes - who never does anything wrong. Wholesome and innocent, she just wants cats to get along and can't understand when they don't. Jeepers!"
  
  Lies. All lies. But we still can't stop watching. We're waiting for Pee Wee Herman to pop out of a closet and into the Meow Mix theater.
  
  
• UPDATE: Friday @ 12:17 AM - Molly finally stops humping pillow, appears to be smoking a cigarette.
  
  Molly ... wholesome? Wholesome, our arses! We're getting a little sleepy, but continue to watch.
  
  
• UPDATE: Friday @ 12:32 AM - Molly goes to sleep with the other cats.
  
  
• UPDATE: Friday @ 6:11 AM - Cats are still sleeping. But. We. Still. Can't. Sleep. Because we can't stop watching the ^*@#** cat cams.
  
  
• UPDATE: Friday @ 7:02 AM - Something about the decor is fishy ... mirror above bed, "Indulge" wall art, swank leopard print. We wonder where Meow Mix found its producers ... the 2006 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo, perhaps?

Looks like one "American Idol" finalist isn't gonna be saying, "Thank God it's Friday" today.

John Mayer , on "Access Hollywood," tonight, will deny ever asking out "American Idol" finalist Katharine McPhee.

When asked if the Grammy-winning singer-songwriter asked McPhee out, Mayer told "Access Hollywood" on Thursday: "No, I didn't. I have, you know, like anybody has, your 'Idol' picks, your favorites and I said, 'I'm rooting for her.'"

Sorry, Katharine. I hate to break it to ya ... but you're about to get dissed on national TV.

Okay, first, the good news: we survived.

We'd wanted to visit our favorite au bon pain yesterday to use our free lunch coupons. But, walking by, we had flashbacks of our last disastrous visit and decided we weren't ready just yet.

Today, we mustered up the courage and visited Dirk (the manager) and his gang at 1850 M. Here's our report card:

Southwest Tuna Wrap: A-. Bread was fresh, vegetables crunchy and tuna just right. There weren't globs of chili-dijon spread dripping everywhere ... and amazingly, the smell didn't make us gag (like we thought it would.)

Chicken Noodle Soup: B-. They gave us a full cup this time -- and no frozen chicken! (Although it's possible that the 80 degree weather outside warmed everything up before we ate it.) The soup was still a bit bland -- nothing like our Mama makes us -- but at least it wasn't a health hazard.

Diet Coke: C. This fountain soda still does not taste like a Diet Coke should. We're not sure if it's lack of carbonation or what, but we're sticking with the bottled drinks from here on in.

Overall experience: B. Remarkably better than the last time -- when we threw everything in the garbage.

This au bon pain may have actually won us back, although now it's got to compete for our lunchtime dollar with the Beyond Juice that just opened next door. Because we'll never have to worry about uncooked poultry in a delicious Very Berry Berry smoothie.

Pretty woman, walking down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
Pretty woman
I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could look as good as you
Mercy!

Pretty women. Courage Cup. This Saturday. Be there.

KAC, What are you doing with the page titles and days of the week? Confused, Jimbo

Dear Jimbo,

I am doing it because I feel like it. No specific reason.

Oh! Speaking of days ... do you know how we got the name Thursday?

The astrological sign of the planet Jupiter represents Thursday with similar names in Latin-derived languages, such as the French Jeudi. In English, this became Thor's Day, since the Roman god Jupiter was identified with Thor in northern Europe.

More recently, in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, the character Arthur Dent says, "This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays." A few minutes later the planet Earth is destroyed.

Thor, for whom the day was named, also appears later in the Hitchhiker's series and in other Adams books. Appropriately, in The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul, one of the characters says to Thor: "I'm not used to spending the evening with someone who's got a whole day named after them."

Thursday is also humorously referred to as "Friday Eve" in anticipation for the end of the work week on Friday.

Now, didn't that enrich your life for like two seconds? I know it like totally enriched mine :-p Thanks for your question.

May the Thor be with you,
KAC

Vegetable Tray, serves 7 - 10.

No. It serves one carrot-broccoli-celery-tomato obsessed, 102.5-pound, chick (who ate the entire thing while working ... again)!

It all started last weekend, when the first veggie incident occurred as I listened to George is On. Talk about a Deep Dish. Then, I had to run out Monday afternoon for carrots and broccoli. And yesterday, it was Enya's fault. I had Orinoco Flow on repeat and it totally gave me the celery crunchies.

Is it time for Veggie Lovers Anonymous?

Or is it time to start frequenting VeganPorn.com?

Ergh. Sicko Internet freaks, making light of my Veggie Delite.

Dear Humans,

In response to your emails ... no, I didn't get DC Bachelor anything for his birthday this year because he is being a putz. But I'm nice, so I am going to give him an environmentally safe, recycled birthday gift. You know, the e-card I made for him last year.

Happy Flag Day,
KAC

P.S. Yes, DCB has a thing for badgers.
P.S.S. No, the naked chick is not me.
P.S.S.S. It is also Donald Trump's birthday.
P.S.S.S.S. No cupcakes were harmed in the making of this picture.

Today ... we're going to the evil Au Bon Pain for lunch. We'll see if they (a) spit in our food, or (b) kick our bons right onto the 19th & M curb. Anyone care to join us? Bring a camera phone if you are feeling brave ... or some ampicillin if you're actually planning to swallow what you chew.


Related:

ASK KAC: Ohhh Bun Pain!
Consumerist: Oh Bun Pain!
Ask KAC: After the Pain
Consumerist: Update: Oh Bun Pain!
Wonkette: It's The Grit That Makes It Good

It's hard for us to forget Screech, the high-pitched, dorky kid from our favorite childhood show, Saved By the Bell.

Now, the guy who played Samuel "Screech" Powers, Dustin Diamond, is all grown up and living in Wisconsin. And he's dealing with lots of grown-up problems with banks, lawyers and mortgages.

With his credit in the toilet, "Dman" (as he now calls himself) left California and bought a home in the midwest on a land contract. Now, an overzealous developer wants the property back -- or $250,000. Otherwise, the property will be foreclosed. Screech's response:

"They're gonna take my house! I'm gonna be homeless! Dustin Diamond homeless in Wisconsin. BULLSHIT!"

To raise money -- apparently, the stand-up comedy gig ain't cuttin' it -- Diamond is now selling t-shirts with "I Paid $15 to Save Screech's House" emblazoned on them. (They're $20 bucks with an autograph.)

We've got our fingers crossed for Screech but also have to wonder: where's Zach and the gang when you really need them?

Rule 1: Never walk your own dog - even if he really has to go. Just toss him to a reporter, bodyguard or waiter. Let them deal.

Rule 2: Never open the limo door - even if it means sitting in the backseat all night long.

Rule 3: Get the inside scoop. Read my latest column for more information on the art of socialite-ism at dcstylemag.com.

Only four days left to buy your Courage Cup tickets.

Translation: If you don't buy passes to Capitol File magazine's VIP tent at The Courage Cup ... you stand no chance in hell of ever being close to women this fine.

Photo taken at the spring Smith Point Courage Cup fundraiser. The young women pictured are members of the Board and the Host Committee.

Although JetBlue is scheduled to begin service later this summer from Dulles (with introductory fares starting as low as $39 each way), we're still a fan of Amtrak's Acela when taking field trips to THE city -- New York, that is.

It's a bit pricey (each roundtrip ticket is about $350 ... $150 more than roundtrip airfare), but we think the price is worth it. Not only is it the fastest way up north (when you factor in the trip to/from the airports, lines for security and potential delays) , but it's also the most luxurious (we refuse to fly the shuttle on U.S. Airways, perhaps the crappiest airline in the world). We're talking comfy seats, decent drinks in the cafe car and most importantly, quiet. No little children screaming - just the occasional typing on a Blackberry. We're usually in bliss.

But what happens when Chatterbox McGee decides to cozy on up in the seat next to you?

Now, typical train etiquette dictates never sitting next to a stranger, unless absolutely necessary. That buffer seat is usually so nice. This trip, however, was completely sold-out, with even some passengers standing. (We'd never stand.) The major downside to this, unfortunately, we thought, was that this meant our bags could not ride shotgun.

But we rearranged our overnighters and hoped for the best seat companion to journey through the Chesapeake with: either the sleeping suit or the nonconversational traveler.

We got neither.

Instead, we had the tremendous luck of having the aforementioned Mr. Talky Talk grab that spare seat.

For the first 15 minutes, we didn't mind the small b.s.: weather, jobs, D.C. But then it continued. And went on and on and on. Eventually, the ubiquitious iPod Nano headphones plugged in and a New York magazine was taken out. Yet, somehow, the hint wasn't taken and the blabbering continued. Ugh.

Needless to say, next time, we're riding in the quiet car.

UPDATE: Kind readers, tell us, how do you keep loquacious seat companions silent?

Dear KAC,

My move to DC from Virginia (or is that Delaware, oh, I'll ask the accountant) is rapidly approaching ... well, almost.

Anyways, my address shall be:

xxxx ******* St NW
Washington DC 20009

Though my new place might just be an entrepreneurial Science Club, feel
free to stumble on in after a good night Flying in the Clouds or when
you're done Playing. I'll save a Lucky Bar of soap to clean up your Dragon
breath. To make sure you don't end up like a beached Whale and miss
your 1223 lunch meeting, I'll give you Five bucks to wander down 18th
Street to board DC's Citrony coloured metro system. Ya know, just in case
you Spanked all your money away. If any Front Page Rumors start, just tell them
about your long lasting Heritage with the organization, and all will be
Cozy once more.

(yes, I know, I have lots of time between meetings, ok?)

-MM-

Looks like a friend of mine is moving to the Dupont Circle area. It also looks like he's ready to drink some liquor and pass out in his living room.

Welcome to D.C., Mr. M!

Breaking news: Google is, well, fux0red.

Stay tuned ... a big Google eXcLusive is about to explode. And something tells me you won't find this scoop on Google News. So, point your Googly eyes to F'd Google. Our buddy there tells me he is going to break the news this Thursday.

Meanwhile, read what Mark Cuban's telling us about GOOG and ClickFraud.

Access Hollywood just emailed us and said that Jack Black and his wife Tanya Haden welcomed a baby boy into the world Saturday in Los Angeles.

This evening at the Hollywood premiere for Black's new movie, "Nacho Libre," at the Mann Grauman Chinese theater, he told Access Hollywood: "Secretly, between you and me, its already happened. I've got the babe back at home safe and sound and I'm actually very anxious to get back to my lovins (loved ones)."

When the lights went down at the premiere, Black left and reportedly went right home.

Congrats to the happy couple! And thank you, J, for letting us know our celebriduo's good news. :-)

Great.

Gawker's Consumerist got confused and posted my big face up as an Au Bon Painer when it was really Editorial Dude that got the icy chicken soup at Au Bon Pain's 19th and M location.

Here's the original Consumerist coverage. And here's the letter I wrote, which didn't inspire them to delete my big head:

Hi there, Consumerists!

I wasn't the one that wrote the Au Bon Pain complaint, it was actually my talented editorial assistant, Editorial Dude. He just started working with me not too long ago. (After the Pain posted by Editorial Dude at 6/09/2006 )

Editorial Dude recently moved to DC from NYC, where he used to frequent ABP. So, at his suggestion (b/c he'd always had good experiences in NYC), we went to the 19th & M Street ABP here in DC. But each time it just seem to get nastier and nastier.

As far as my experience ... I am a salad person, but, since biting into some disgusting gristle in my ABP chicken salad, I can say I've not had a salad since. In fact, thinking about it makes me ill and I am still considering going all-out vegan, Peta-style. Cartilage in chicken can change a woman.

Regarding the drinks ... Editorial Dude actually drank some soda out of the ABP 19/M fountain. I don't drink anything out of any sort of soda machine because if not cleaned properly, they can become a breeding ground for things that are certainly not privileged enough to touch my lips. ;-o So when I was at ABP with Editorial Dude, I reached for the bottle -- no, not the Grey Goose ... the Perrier.

So that's the correction. Thank you so much for the great blog entry ... you all have a great sense of humor ... besides, my headshot totally matches your site's color scheme. That's hot. ;-p

Here's to avoiding gristly frozen chicken,
KAC

The folks over at Consumerist did update their article, but have they no heart?

I mean, you never know ... I could be stranded and starving some day with nothing but an ABP in sight. But now, I'll just die from starvation -- which is way better than spit in my salad dressing ... I guess.

Nice. How did I end up getting spanked for this one?

Ohhh Bun Pain!

• In other news ...
  
  My carrot-cake-eating friend Philip asks, "What did you eat today?"
  
  My reply: "Nothing yet, Philip. Nothing. Not even a low-fat Triple Berry muffin."
  

Related:

Consumerist: