Went out with Big Head Rob, James van Wylder, WaPo Express' Mike Grass, The Senator, Editorial Dude, People mag's Marc Zawel, U.S. News' Alex Kingsbury, NBC4 Scott, Marty Beckerman and Jeff Gannon last night. Don't cha wish your nightlife was a freak like we? Don't cha, don't cha?!

If your Saturday night is beginning to feel like "A Night at the Roxbury," remember: It's not you, it's them.

Read my column today @ STYLE magazine: Top 10 Signs You're At A Lame Nightclub

Not that I'd ever need this, because I go home every night like a good girl should ...

But for those who are not perfect little angels, the Shame On You Kit from Urban Aid ($26) has everything you'd want in your pocket the morning after you-know-what.

This handy little kit includes a toothbrush, toothpaste, a one-size-fits-all thong (yeah, riiight. as if.), pain reliever, a "leave behind note" with envelope, a phone card (who uses these anymore?) and not one, not two, but three (one-size-fits-all?) condoms.

Yeah sure, in a pinch, I'd pay $26 bucks for a toothbrush and some condoms. But they're giving them away for free over at the Great American Condom Campaign, so buy some Butterscotch schnapps and Bailey's and serve yourself up some Buttery Nipples instead.

Oh, by the way, after some careful research, I have decided that the Shame On You Kit is a better deal than the Period Pal. What kinda pal would charge you $12 for a coupla tampons, an Advil, a useless thong and a panty liner? Can't you buy tampons from a machine for like 10 cents?

Shame on you, you Shame On You Kit-makin' people!

Speaking of Fly ... I want an Adam A500.

Yes, the A500 is the new (and ultra-sexy) centerline twin-engine piston airplane that does a heart-stopping flyby in Miami Vice the movie, starring Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell.

I don't know what it is ... but I just love the way it looks. In fact, I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

Catch the Miami Vice trailer that features the plane here.

Mile-High Club, anyone?

There is somethin' suspect going on in this Fly Lounge photo of me, Mr. J and The Senator (right).

How you like my jawbone now, motherfreaker??!

After performing in Hollywood last night, Lionel Richie confessed that he is worried about his daughter, Nicole.

"I'll be honest with you, it (hearing rumors about Nicole's weight) hurts me more than it hurts her. I'm more sensitive; I take it more so personal ... I must tell you, I'm the basket case."

When asked if he gets on Nicole about her weight, Richie said, "Of course, I mean, what are fathers for if you can't point the finger every once in a while. I think the good part of it is she is aware of it... She has heard this all her life from me so this is just a continuation of the reminder."

While it has been reported that Nicole fainted while shopping last week, Richie said, "She is doing great."

For more Lionel Richie / Nicole dish, check out Access Hollywood tonight!

What: Happy (Birthday) Hour for Big Head Rob
Who: Gracious hosts - Kelly Ann Collins, Marc Zawel, Rob Capriccioso
When: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - After work to 10 p.m.
Where: David Greggory Lounge, 2030 M St., NW, WDC
More info: Beers, $4.25; wines, $4.75; martinis & appetizers, $5

View the invitation.

We all know that I think ESL and Local 16 suck.

But there are several places that are even worse than those pothead paradisos. Here's a look at a few of my least favorite D.C. nightclubs:

• H2O
  All I want to know is ... who is the idiot that thought it would be clever to name a waterfront nightclub H2O, anyway?
  
  
• Love
  Does anyone really go to this place? Love's managment claims it has a free shuttle "to and from several secure parking lots." Funny, I'd imagined that resident DJ Harry Hotter would travel via broomstick. What is Love, anyway?


• Cloud
  This place compares itself to a hot South Beach nightclub, but the only thing hot at place is the grease.
  


• 9:30 Club
  This place has to be the worst of all. It is a C-List entertainment paradise, which is out in the middle of nowhere, that is nasty like Janet and smells like teen spirits. Why is it called 9:30 Club? If you wander around its neighborhood after 9:30 p.m., you will probably get clubbed. [Check it out here]

These places could disappear and I would not blink an eye. *poof*

I've never liked 18th Street Lounge.

And, until the other night, I'd never been to Local 16 -- and had no desire since U Street and KAC just don't seem to mix. But, I was with some people that wanted to go, so I did.

We hit Local 16, and then they wanted to go to 18th Street. Double lame whammy.

Maybe ESL (which is housed in a mansion that Teddy Roosevelt once lived in ... and that Thievery Corporation calls home -- but who cares if the place smells?) was cool one upon a time, but today ... it is just. not. cool. at. all. And Local 16 is just a dumpy C-List version of 18th Street Lounge. Why didn't someone warn me? I so woulda ditched that trip down nastaaaay lane.

Mildew. Hippies. Nasty upholstery. Dead fish smell. Crappy deck. Barf. Mary Jane. Dirt.

Colin Farrell was confronted on stage as he appeared on NBC's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" by a woman who sued him for harassment.

Dessarae Bradford, alleged in a small-claims lawsuit that Farrell stalked her with inappropriate calls and text messages, but her lawsuit against Farrell was dismissed. Last night, Bradford was a studio audience guest at "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and surprisingly confronted him walking up to him on the stage. According to other audience members, Bradford left a copy of her self-published book, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, on Leno's desk.

According to a studio audience guest, Farrell calmly walked Bradford off stage and then, as she was escorted off the set, she shouted, "I'll see you in court" and Farrell retorted, "You're insane."

When asked about the incident by "Access Hollywood's" Billy Bush at this evening's Los Angeles "Miami Vice" premiere, Farrell replied, "I don't know. I don't know."

Sergeant Gunn of the Burbank Police Department told "Access Hollywood," she was "identified" and advised not to return to NBC property. Gunn added that she was detained by the police, but not officially taken into custody.

Dear KAC, Who do you think are better at blogs -men or women? Thom

Dear Thom,

Women take better care of -- and are less likely to abandon -- their blog-babies than men. In fact, more than half of all blogs are created by women.

Battle of the sexes score: Men: 2 Women: 5

Heck, even the world's most senior blogosphere citizen -- 80-year-old Millie Garfield -- is female. She can't open a bottle of perfume ... but dayyyamn. That chick can blog.

Battle of the sexes score: Men: 2 Women: 6

Smackin' the betas,
KAC

We were not kidnapped by Ze Frank.

We just thought it would be nice to take a break from the blogosphere and watch Big Head Rob count the days til our return. And, we wanted to spend some quality time with The Senator and a few monkeys.

Back in the saddle, again ...

Today, we're having lunch with Big Head Rob. One, because we miss him. And two, because he accidentally hijacked Editorial Dude's hat when we were at Topaz last week.

Oh, by the way, we are going back to Topaz Bar ... because tonight is the night that they reveal the new KAC drink that will be on their menu. Rock!

And, word to the wise, D.C. restauranteurs: Melt the ice in that chicken soup, tune up your soda machines and go easy on the chili-dijon spread. Why? Because BHR, ED and KAC are eating solid food today.

>> Related: Our Return to ABP

A few months ago, I did some spring cleaning and deleted several numbers from my mobile phone. I did this shortly after I got a midnight booty call from a drunken Starbucks barista ...

>> Read my column today @ STYLE mag

There is some sick and twisted Internet blogitude in Washington today.

The infamous Ze Frank is in town. He is a sick and angry man. He could scramble up and eat DC Bachelor alive. Yo, yo, yo, Ze, you're so funny? Write our blog. On second thought, KAC could eat them both for breakfast with a side of baconhead Sally.

And like the bloggal says, "Tuesday is the new Thursday." Some people have a problem with that. But that is just typical behavior for just jealous C-listers that can't get on the guestlist (or our blogroll for that matter).

Tonight's the night ... wine happy hour @ Topaz Bar. All indigent wine-drinking blogaholics and stylish winos are welcome.

Good morning to some of my favorite people in the blogosphere, some of the lovely people on Friendster / MySpace, and some of the absolutely spectacular people I get to see when I am out and about every day.

Here, dahlings, I've been brewing something special for you. Please, have a nice cup of STFU.

AskMen.com reports indicate that I may be cheating on all my boyfriends. Hmm. Maybe I deserve a big, fat spanking.

8 Signs She May Be Cheating:

1. Her approach to sex has changed.
Yes, after the other night, my approach to sex has definitely changed. Is this really a bad thing?

2. She's too accommodating.
Why yes, I am trying extremely hard to please the men in my life.

3. She dresses differently.
I went shopping. I bought some fun new things. True.

4. She's overly defensive.
Defensive? Who are you calling defensive?

5. She makes new friends.
Yes, I make new friends every day ... and I am so not telling you who they are.

6. She reveals too much.
Well, that's a given.

7. She initiates strange conversations.
You see, there is this "friend" of mine that is cheating on her five boyfriends. What do you think of people who have affairs?

8. She's mean to you in public.
I, I , Iiii think you are a big, fat meanie!

Gentlemen, it's time to dump me immediately. I may be cheating.

Tuesday is the new Thursday because Thursday is so last week.

Check out my column in STYLE magazine today.

Many people make fun of me for having bodyguards. But, let me tell ya ... you would, too (if you were me).

I mean, before I had them ... I would go to an event and get my shirt ripped off. I. Kid. You. Not.

And then, there are the real psychos.

OK ... you are totally not believing me. Let me share a letter I received five weeks ago:

Dear KAC:

If I could find you I would hunt you down, murder you and then rape your eyeball sockets.

Watching you.

OK ... NOW are you seeing why I have bodyguards at events? Are ya?

It's all fun and games ... til you know the truth.

Alright ... enough of this reality stuff, back to the norm.

Here is what I am thinking ...

I am thinking ... wouldn't it be cool if I blogged what I was *really* thinking?

It would freak the normal people out. It would crush the insecure. And, it would blackball the freaks that I have stored in my "WEIRDO FILE" ... yeah, I have to keep a weirdo file, which is full of all my stalker's creepiest emails.

Who was the in-crowd partying with this Fourth of July? Jerry McGuire's Cuba Gooding Jr., of course. And he's all about red, white and blue July Fourth-degree hawtness.

Cuba barhopped around the Golden Triangle Tuesday evening. He went to Spank, 1223, Play and Fly. If you were not out and about on the Triangle Tuesday night ... shame on you! Shaaaame.

So, what's Cuba been up to since we last saw him buzzing about the party scene? He's currently working on a movie called Norbit with Eddie Murphy, Thandie Newton (Mission: Impossible II) and Terry Crews (White Chicks).

Who is that guy with Cuba in the above photo? That's Das ... of Das Enterprises. Yes, we know, he's hot!

Now, maybe you are starting to see why we're absolutely addicted InstantChaos, Absolute Addiction and Eternal Pulse.The guys and gals there are smokin'. Hot. <-- Talking about myself and the hotness that is Ezra, now. ;-D More photos of Cuba here, here and here. Get them while they're HAWT!

Send your pics to kac@askkac.com with the subject: "Yes. I am at work. Die, KAC, you insipid, vapid biatch" ... we'll post them as soon as we can. Thanks.

Are you one of the unlucky few who is working today, the day before the Fourth of July?

Workplace experts say those who do have to go in may not get a lot done. My Peapod delivery guy agrees. But, he said, every person that did not go into work today is lazy.

"I had to get up at 4 o'clock this morning," he said as he carried cases of water bottles into the kitchen. "People that are home today ... they is lazy people! And the ones in the offices are lazy, all they do is sit at their desks all day, all the time, eating food."

Some worker bees I ran into at the Starbucks (20th and M Street NW) said they'd rather be somewhere else, getting ready for Independence Day.

"All the big whigs are off today. We little people get the short end of the stick," said one man in a green tie (I assume he was wearing green in protest of the red, white and blue holiday). "What am I having? Triple Caramel Macchiato."

It's not such a bad thing though, said Joseph Pitino, a director with the Spherion recruiting firm in New York (and the only "director" in any office in the USA today).

"Many people will take the opportunity to catch up on tasks they wouldn't do otherwise, such as returning e-mail and clearing their desks. ... Scheduling interviews ... and getting any traction is less than likely. We are assuming it is a half a week."

How charming. Manual labor. "Waaaahhhhh! Mama! Mama!"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T the R.S.V.P. Find out what it means to me.

Read my column, R.E.S.P.E.C.T the R.S.V.P., today in DC STYLE magazine.

The Devil may wear Prada, but I'm convinced that the Devil's Advocate wears Gucci.

Yes, we're spying on the neighbors again.

What an interesting horoscope for my fellow Leo lions and lionesses this morning:

"Stand firm and you'll soon see matters improve. It may not be easy to hold onto this resolve, but remember -- when things are the darkest is when you need to have the most faith. Things will turn around."

Well, my coffee was out of stock and was not delivered this morning. Maybe that is what this horoscope is talking about? Hmm. Guess I just need to have faith that Starbucks will be able to satisfy my caffeine-infused cravings.